Rewritten
by R. Controversy
Summary: The weight of these decaying things in the back of my mind is more than I can stand.


**Rewritten**

_602,855_

It just keeps building up in the back of his head, the pile of things that had(n't) happened, persisting in spite of the furor of the editor. It was like writing with a heavy hand: between smudges and the deep cuts of the graphite on the paper, no furious amount of erasing could hide all the signs that _something else_ was written there before. Nothing short of ripping a hole in that paper.

Kyon had some vague notion that it was Haruhi who was to blame. He'd learned well to be suspicious of deja vu when living in the Suzumiyan Shadow. After all, when had she brooked coincidence? Had things ever just _happened_ without a reason, for all her spontaneity?

These fragments, they're real. All too real.

--- ---

_1_

I stepped into the classroom to find her at her desk, busily working away. She was quite involved in whatever it was she was tending too, to the point that she didn't react to my arrival. I approached a few steps, but thought the better of coming closer, so I simply stood and watched the long-haired beauty Taniguchi had proudly declared an "AA+"

Why two As? Wouldn't two plus signs be more indicative of excellence?

"I've always been more fond of mathematical symbols for ranking as well," said Asakura Ryouko, catching me off-guard. "Are you participating in a survey, Kyon-kun?" she asked with a smile, setting down her pencil and looking up from her work.

I laughed it off and walked towards her, sitting myself down at a desk next to her. I suppose you could call it a sort of survey, though as a survey director, Taniguchi's methods are of the most questionable sort. He is the sole gatherer of data and the sole interpreter! His life's work would never see the pages of any sociological journals.

"Oh, I didn't know Taniguchi-san was such an active academic! Do you think he'd be willing to let me contribute? As class representative, I want to do what I can to encourage such spirit," she said sweetly, flashing a smile. Asakura-san and Haruhi were both beautiful girls, but Asakura-san's smile lacked the sinister edge of Haruhi's. It was a smile one could appreciate without a sense of forboding.

"Ah, he's already finished with it, and it was only really for his own gratification," I told her, though in truth, she had already involuntarily been Taniguchi's most notable contributor.

"Oh, I see."

There was silence for a moment as she looked at me, first with her winning smile, the face of the ideal class representative. This gave way to something else entirely. Still a smile, still every bit as impressive, but somehow more...private?

"I'm glad you came," she began. "To put it simply, I was wondering if you would like to go on a date with me?"

At that moment, I felt a great disturbance in my mind, as if Taniguchi suddenly cried out, and then was silenced. The first word that fell out of my mouth, however, was 'Why?'

"Why?" she repeated, blinking. I thought for a moment she'd taken offense, but our clever class representative saw through my inarticulate blurt to my meaning. "I was touched by how you reached out to Suzumiya-san and have taken the effort to be her friend. I want to get to know you better. Is that acceptable?"

Now, I flatter myself that I'm not a demanding person. I entered High School with only one ambition, to lead an ordinary High Schooler's life and get through three easy years before going off to an ordinary university. Part of this plan involved an ordinary girlfriend, and I had assumed she would be decently pretty, but on the whole rather plain. Decently smart, but not a genius. Somewhat fit, but not an athlete. In this case, however, I felt that allowing something extra would be the wisest choice if it was being set in my lap.

"I'd like that," I said, and offered a half-smile that must have conveyed my disbelief, as she giggled, covering her mouth politely before she packed away the work she was doing and slung her satchel over her shoulder. We made the silent agreement for me to walk her home today and made for the door. As we moved through the rows of desks, Asakura-san tripped over a bookbag left at the foot of their desk by some inconsiderate student and began to fall. Wait, wasn't that Taniguchi's bag? I remember he'd moved to this seat to try his smooth-talking on one of the girls during the lunch break while its owner was out in the cafeteria.

Oh well, I don't have any more time to think about it, as I instinctively moved to intercept Asakura-san, and was promptly sent crashing down with her, my back taking the sting as I shielded her from desks, shoving a few out of order and landing just beyond the rows in the back of the class.

"Eh...are you all right, Asakura-san?" I said, sitting up and helping her do the same

"I am, thanks to you. But what about you? Are you hurt?" she asked with concern. Ah, this class representative of ours was more than just charm, her genuine care and sweetness in that moment seemed to rival even that of the lovely Asahina-san! Before I could answer that earnest face, the door to the classroom opened.

"Wa-wa-wasuremono..." Taniguchi scratched at the back of his head as he entered, freezing immediately when his eyes told his brain what was waiting within.

"Ah, uh..." I fumbled for an explanation as I saw his eyes

"Oh, don't mind me!" Taniguchi exclaimed, disappearing from the door way. I could feel the heat filling out my face, but was pulled up from the awkward feeling by a soft laugh. Asakura was looking at me with flashing eyes, a delicate hand over her lips, her shoulders quaking as she tried politely to stifle herself.

"Your friend is interesting, isn't he?" she asked.

--- ---

_923_

I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. Now, understand me, this is entirely typical of conversations with Koizumi. The few times I can penetrate his endless philosophical tangents, he rarely seems to be speaking any sense, even if he later proves to be right. This, however, went beyond that. Koizumi was speaking about honesty! As if he has any grounds to.

"Ah, it is true, I have not conducted myself in a genuine manner up to this point. However, this has all been in keeping with the aims of The Organization. In order to keep Suzumiya-san's emotional condition as close to stable as possible, I have been actively cultivating this compliant, unassertive personality to meet her expectations of me as the Vice Brigade Chief," the ESPer said, sipping his cup of tea.

We've been over this before. Get to the point, you! What does all this have to do with whether or not I am being honest?

"Do you not know already? Well, then, allow me to explain. Suzumiya-san has unwittingly gathered around her three of the fantastic beings she so wishes to meet in the form of Nagato-san, Asahina-san and myself. However, she has chosen all three of us not on this basis, as she is unaware of our true natures, but on the basis of our personalities. In her mind, she has found a silent bibliophile, a cute and passive mascot figure, and a mysterious transfer student. Accordingly, Nagato-san is silent and rarely ever without her books. Asahina-san subjects herself to whatever Suzumiya-san wishes of her. I comply with and encourage her, and my own feelings are hidden as this would diminish the mystery about me."

Mysterious? Don't make it sound so harmless and charming. Haven't you said yourself it's an active deception?

"Ah, so you paid that close attention to my word choice? I suppose you have found me out. At any rate, that we were selected for our personalities is the greatest common link between the three of us and you, Kyon-kun."

"You're saying Haruhi had expectations of me from the beginning?"

"So you do understand. I'm glad I don't have to explain that much since you are so observant." the ESPer said with his characteristic overly handsome smile. "Suzumiya-san indeed has a specific hope that you will, no matter what, be honest with her. As far as I can see, you have done this. You've not been hiding anything from me, have you?" he asked with a slight chuckle under his breath. Sometimes, this guy...

"Please, do not take offense. I did not think you were being dishonest." Koizumi held up his hands in apology, though somehow I still felt irritated. "However, you must understand Suzumiya-san's feelings. She has particular motives for her erratic behavior towards you, and hopes and believes that your reasons for behaving similarly towards her are the same."

Please, Koizumi, if there is one thing I would ask you never to do, it is to compare my behavior to that Haruhi's behavior. That girl treats people exactly as she pleases without any consideration and crushes whomever stands in the way of what she wants.

"Oh, is that what you truly think?" he asked, looking amused. "Well, the point is that Suzumiya-san believes you feel the same connection to her that she feels to you, and is waiting for you to be honest with her where she can not, as of yet, bring herself to be. It is on the edge of this that the world is coming to rest. I do not expect you to take action immediately, but please try to alleviate the situation this week. We of The Organization would greatly appreciate it. I must take my leave for now."

The handsome ESPer rose from his seat, tea in hand and began to walk away.

"Koizumi, just what is it Haruhi thinks I feel?"

He stood silent for a moment, his back to me, as if he were having a hard time finding words. _That_ was entirely unheard of from Koizumi.

"I believe," he said, turning to me with his cheshire smile, "that you already know the answer to that, Kyon-kun. If I were you, I'd carefully weigh your ties to Asakura-san against the risks presented."

Somehow, as the conversation was capped off, I had a feeling all this had already played out as far as it could. Somewhere along the line, this had been decided before. I suppose it had. Ever since I'd learned of Haruhi's powers, I'd had some feeling things would come to this. Asakura-san and I had continued on discreetly, but there was too much pressure. Haruhi would remake this reality to get what she wanted. The Asakura-san I knew and had grown to love would no longer exist. I wonder...what would she be like if Haruhi subconsciously wanted to get her out of the way?

Even as I think these fearful thoughts, I can't bring myself to be truly angry at Haruhi. In truth, despite all the trouble the girl has given me...she as a person is part of the pressure. Now I'm not given to poetic thoughts or exaggerations, but my mind genuinely feels as if it has been drifting towards Haruhi over a far longer span of time than my fifteen years.

But I'm not ready to give in to that yet. I'm sorry, Koizumi, but I still have a choice, and I choose...

--- ---

_12,474_

I am kissing Suzumiya Haruhi under the streetlight. It feels incredible, and it should, with everything I feel for this girl, and yet for some reason, my mind is calling up the way it felt when I first kissed Asakura Ryouko a year ago. Before the fights. Before the indecision and confusion. Before we decided it was better to just...

"Kyon-kun! I won't let her steal you from me like this." It was her voice. Her knees were shaking, and though she was just outside the swath of the streetlight, I could see the tears in her eyes. I took a step away from Haruhi, felt her resist, felt her grip tighten even as the fabric of my shirt slipped through her fingers.

"Asakura-san, I know it's hard, but Kyon and I are happy. Can't you just let us have that?" Haruhi asked softly, her body relaxing visibly. Where had her rough edge gone? Of course she had a kind side beneath her brash exterior, but this was not a situation I expected it to shine through in.

"Y-you're one to talk. I don't know how, Suzumiya Haruhi, but I know that you somehow forced us apart!"

Why did those words root me to the ground with such a great weight? Though my mind and body rejected this ridiculous notion, something nagged inside my head with a frustrating vagary the equal of Koizumi, telling me "Yes, of course! This isn't right!"

"Kyon-kun, I love you, and I know you feel the same. Whatever it is you have with Suzumiya-san, I know I can give you better, so please..."

Haruhi looked more confused, more sad than I had ever seen her before. Strangely, I couldn't tell if it was for herself or for Ryouko-chan. To judge by her expression, neither could Ryouko-chan herself.

"I don't understand...why...still?" Haruhi abruptly fell to the ground. What's this sudden brightness I see in the sky? This couldn't be natur--

--- ---

_89,164_

"--so that is why I am setting you free, Kyon-kun. I hope you are happy with Suzumiya-san. I truly do." She turned to Haruhi, smiling though tears were welling up in her eyes. "Suzumiya-san, please, take care of him. He deserves better than I could...I'm sorry, I have to go," she said, wiping her eyes.

The next day, Nagato told me that Asakura Ryouko, our Brigade's beloved slider, had left this dimension. The cover story our trusty goddess crafted was that her parents moved to Canada for work, taking her along. Haruhi heard this story the next day in the clubroom, spent an hour silently staring out the window, then got up to leave. As she walked past me, she touched me on the shoulder and looked at me with remorseful eyes.

Oddly, my heart felt more tired than damaged, like this was a long-carried weight.

--- ---

_360,810_

I moved my rook forward five spaces.

"If you believe Haruhi is God, does this mean you believe in the existence of souls?"

I can't believe I asked our resident long-winded ESPer that question. Did I truly hate peace and quiet so much? Perhaps on the psychiatrist's couch I would uncover some long held disdain for simplicity that led me to stay in this Brigade and ask these questions.

"Why, I never thought you'd be interested in hearing more than was necessary."

Well, when you say something like that, it makes me regret it even more. You sound as if you've prepared a speech.

"No, it is not quite like that," he reassured me. "There is a good deal of information within The Organization that is above my rank's privileges, but there are those individuals in it who believe that Suzumiya-san is not literally omnipotent, but is effectively so as it pertains to a select group of immutable, eternal souls. However, this group is a minority. Within this group there is some debate as to the nature of these souls, as well, so no one comprehensive theory about the matter holds much influence. Why do you ask?"

"When you mentioned, the other day, that it was possible the world had been created even more recently than three years ago, I started to wonder," I admitted. And really, who wouldn't wonder? I take pride in being a normal person and I must say that I feel it makes me more normal to be unsettled by hearing such things. Only super-advanced alien beings such as Nagato-san or her 'cousin', Asakura-san could be calm about such things.

"So you're wondering to yourself, 'If the world were remade tomorrow, would I still be me, and if so, what sets me apart as me', am I correct? That's unusual for you, but I don't think it is an inappropriate reaction in this case. I personally haven't invested much thought into the matter, as I have the more pressing concern of preventing such changes from happening. However, if I were to conjecture, I would say that Haruhi is an incomplete god, and would treat the 'souls' in her care as she would human friends. Those closest to her will be treated best, while those most distant she does not extend such concern to. Now, as to what the 'best treatment' is, one could argue it is either preserving that soul in something close to the form it was originally created as, or that it means improving the quality of life for that soul."

Again, slowly, in human language, please.

"I'm sorry if my explanation isn't helpful to you, as I said I am no expert on such things."

At that moment, I heard the door opening and looked up from the chessboard to see a tall guy walk into the room, blue hair done up in his usual formal style: class representative Asakura Ryou, also the second of the SOS Brigade's Humanoid Interfaces. Though, don't tell Haruhi that; she recruited him as the 'necessary rival figure' after observing that he was competitive and her equal in every academic and athletic regard.

'His presence will create an inspirational tension! The kind of deep inner conflict that breeds aspirations to ascend ever higher and makes for killer television!' I recall her saying those exact words. What a troublesome girl. At the very least, he was genuinely friendly, and a better study at board games than Koizumi.

"Itsuki-kun, might I play Kyon?" he asked after setting down his satchel near the table, studying the chess board.

"Ah, of course, Asakura-san. I've already lost twice already today as it is, it is kind of you to relieve me. Shall I replace the pieces for this side?"

"No, no, I'll finish out this game if you don't mind." Asakura-san smiled as Koizumi stood up and moved to the adjacent seat to watch. The blue-haired fellow sat down and passed his gaze over the pieces once more.

"After all, by now, I'm pretty used to playing against a handicap."

--- ---

_415,992_

"--so I shall kill you, and see how Suzumiya-san reacts."

She comes at me with the knife. There's more to this being wrong than just this moment. It's almost as if--

--- ---

_602,856_

--just like Nagato-san had phrased her mission: inputting the correct variable. I wanted to be angry with Haruhi, but I couldn't. This whole time, she has simply been trying to figure out how to make everyone happy while getting what she wants, but I have to stop this somehow. I have survived these rewrites, with the memories to prove it, but Asakura-san has suffered. Haruhi has suffered. I care for them both and I can't let them hurt on my account any longer. I have to--

--- ---

_FINAL_

It's the middle of the night. After everything we've been through over four years together, we still have nights like this, poised between happiness and disaster.

I suppose my literature studies in college have made me wordier, haven't they? Though you should hear Koizumi in class discussions these days.

At any rate, I'm tired in more ways than I can express. As I walk back to my dormitory from Haruhi's on the other end of the campus, I see a beautiful girl with formally styled blue hair, sitting with perfect posture on a lamp lit bench. I'll admit, I approached more out of a desire to sit my tired bones down than to make a new friend, but I was put-out enough that I may as well.

"May I sit here?"

"Of course," she said with a smile. I could see she was just as tired as I was. "Hmm, have we met before?"

"I don't think so. I'm Kyon, by the way"

"That's a curious nickname, but I like it. I'm Asakura Ryouko. It is a pleasure to meet you, Kyon-by-the-way." She laughs. It's a sweet sound.

Maybe tonight will be all right, after all.


End file.
